| 
  • If you are citizen of an European Union member nation, you may not use this service unless you are at least 16 years old.

  • Finally, you can manage your Google Docs, uploads, and email attachments (plus Dropbox and Slack files) in one convenient place. Claim a free account, and in less than 2 minutes, Dokkio (from the makers of PBworks) can automatically organize your content for you.

View
 

Amy Schneider85

Page history last edited by amy.schneider85 9 years, 7 months ago

Hey! My name is Amy Schneider I live on campus in Atchison room 251 so come stop by!

I am a technical theater major with emphis in lighting and sound. My hobbies include drumming, drawing, reading, listening to music, and design. I love screamo music and alternative but I also love jazz and classical and im really intrested in culture, politics, and art. So please if you are looking for someone to debate with give me call.

I'm a really big nerd. When it comes to comics and star wars its not even a joke I am obsessed. I love working out you can always find me at the gym at night.

Thats really it but if you wanna know more add me on facebook.

 

 

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1381797916

 

True Beauty of theater

 

 

Rough Draft project 1

Amy Schneider Response 8

 

 

 

 

Project Two

 

Comments (2)

Colton Michael Dale said

at 12:12 pm on Sep 22, 2011

"The past was dead, the future was unimaginable." Pg. 28 (Orwell 1984). 1984 the book that depicted how 1984 was going to look like. Until January 24, 1984 it was, or at least that’s what the Apple Corporation thought. In Super Bowl XVIII, Apple aired a commercial to advertise its new product the first Macintosh. From 1984 to the present apple has had the same marketing strategy. All the commercials use the same ethos, pathos, and logos as they did back in 1984. Even though Apple markets the pad, iPod, mac, and the iPhone all the commercials are the same.

The first 2 sentences make very little sense, I would try to start the paragraph with stating that George Orwell wrote a book named "1984" and just making a new sentence for a citation is wrong, i believe, unless you say, "That quote is from George Orwell's masterpiece of a novel titled, '1984', on page 28". I would redo most of this first paragraph. A lot of it doesn't make sense at all and the sentences are not formed well and are not cohesive. Also the citation is misguiding.

Colton Michael Dale said

at 12:27 pm on Sep 22, 2011

1. The idea of the paper gets more clear early on in the second paragraph, but i dont see how the second paragraph ties into the thesis paragraph, and there is no real thesis statement until the second paragraph.
2. The paper states a somewhat clear purpose, yet a completely unclear exigence, but thats probably not much exigence at all behind Apples advertising because were talknig about computers here, not donating to the ASPCA
3. The paper has a good structre, yet is a little disconnected to the thesis. the paragraphs dont mesh well together.
4. I believe that the tie into the book, 1984, and Apple is unrelated an you should make a clear transition from the book into Apples advertising. make that more clear
5. I like the idea that youre trying to say that Apples products are somewhat a reminder of what George Orwell thought the world was gonna be like. Saying that Apples products are futuristic, modern, and extraordinary. Yet I dont think many readers will get this relation between the two unless you make that more clear to them in the introductory paragraph.
6. The weakest part was the introductory paragraph. it lacked fundamental traits of a quality thesis paragraph and statement. And it wasnt clear enough.
7. If i had to counter-argue this paper, I would start with attacking the unclear thesis, then move onto how Microsoft had started earlier with there products, and Mac was extremely small in 1984 and was not relevant.
8. The paper wasnt well written and needs work, but i understand that its just a rough draft.
9. C-

You don't have permission to comment on this page.