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Blue, Toma

Page history last edited by toma 9 years, 11 months ago

Response 11 Toma Blue

 

 

Polygamy: Marrried to More than One................

 

 

 

SECTION ONE: 

  Everyone has an opinion, so for those who may disagree with my position, I know this and clearly if I cared I'd keep this to myself. But I feel Polygamy  is wrong and I dont care how people feel about it. Everthing we do can have many consequences and regrets. It doesnt matter what religion or country your in, THERE ARE NEGATIVE EFFECTS, POINTBLANK! We all are aware of ones rights but what about the ones who had no say and were forced into the practice of polygamy. I used to think that the women and men agreed to this but with the research I have done, I can conclude otherwise.

 

Polygamy can be defined in a couple of ways.  GIVE US A COUPLE... i.e. Polygamy- Is a marriage that includes more than two partners; bascially this is a practice which allows a person to make him/herself available for two or more people to mate with.

...one more nice def:  

Then your def.

Polygamy is a form of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. ... I want to define it as this because, I want to let my audience know what polygamy is and help them understand the main roots of polygamy. 

 

The people who are married aren't the only ones who are physically, mentally and emotionally abused, the children are too! The point of me evaluating this practice all together is to show the history of Polygamy so that way my audience wont be confused. I intend to use all of my findings towards my conclusion. History first, second true stories, third the negative effects and fouth my own perspectives. This paper isnt just about the facts either In order to make a great paper as an individual you must know somethings as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

section 2:  Polygamy History section:  goal....to show that there have been many ways of understanding polygamous practices.  that polygamy has long been changing....

 

Religion 

 

Polygamy has been practiced for many years by different religions and in different countries but not all of them agree with it.

 Polygamy in Hindu was practiced more so in the ancient times but due to some events that occured in the past it has declined, as well its now considered immortal.

 In the Buddhism world they believe that marriage as a whole is not sacred. It isnt considered a religous affair and/or has no religous sanction, which results in the monks non participation of it. Forms of marriage vary in different countries and everyone has their own view on it. It is stated Parabhava Sutta (Buddhist Scripture) that, " a man who is not satisfied with one women and seeks out other women is on the path to decline". This shows that polygamy or any other form of polygamous acts are unfavorable, and some other scripts that the Buddhist have also show that it is not tolerated or approved of in any matter.

Polygamy in Judaism: The Torah, Judisaims central text, states some specific regulations for the practice of polygamy and they believe that, "multiple marriages aren't to diminish the status of the first wife (specifically, her right to food, clothing and conjugal relations").  Exodus 21:10. In the scripture  Deuteronomy 21:15–17 it aslo says, "that a man must award the inheritance due to a first-born son to the son who was actually born first, even if he hates that son's mother and likes another wife more, and their Deuteronomy 17:17 sates that "the king shall not have too many wives" It's almost like they are 50/50 for this Polygamy Practice.

 

Islam

 

In Islam, Polygany is allowed and practiced by some (CITE). Although, their are limitations on this practice and consequences. A man can only have up to four wives at any one time. The Qur'an states that those men whose choose this route must deal with their wives justly. If the man then fears that he can no longer deal with his wives, then it is said that he should have only married one. The Qur'an does not give a preference on marrying more than one wife but it does give the woman a chance who does not support this practice (PAGE OR WEBSITE) . Some Islamic Scholars believe that the man must tell his wife that he wants to marry another and that he does nothave to have permission from his wife, if thats what he seeks to do. So, basically with all of this being said for the Islas its every man for himself. If you choose to do somthing that more than likely will become a probelm then maybe you should have thought about that before you did it.

 

Section 3: Countries and Polygamy (one paragraph...not too long)

 

 

SECTION 4...UP TO YOUR DEFINITION... CONTEMPORARY FORMS OF POLYGAMY AS ABUSIVE IN THREE WAYS ... ARGUE THIS PROVE IT.

 

SECTION 5: RAISE COUNTERARGUMENTS... (MAYBE RAISE THE QUESTION OF WHETHER YOU'RE STATING A FALLACY...) ARGUE AGAINST YOUR OWN DEFINITION...

 

...THEN DEAL WITH THESE COUNTER ARGUMENT... partly by defining the dynamics of this 'abuse'. (imbalanced power relationship... disconnected from other social arrangements/options... past evidence of abuse...) 

 

 To Be Continued ..... Under Construction =)

 


 

SECTION ONE: Im stating my arguement.
 Everyone is entitled to live thier very own lives as long as it doesnt intrude or harm others, but I recently found one practice that I feel should be better defined and examined more, (Polygamy). Is is a marriage that includes more than two partners; this bascially means that it is the practice which allows a person to make him/herself available for two or more people to mate with. I feel that Polygamy isnt understood and that it is mistaken for something totally different. People who don't understand what Polygamy is might feel that it is a group union which is agreed on, but there are many cases that prove this to be untrue. Polygamy should be better understood and alot of attention should be put upon it because there is a lot more going on, than we may realize. Negative outcomes can increase from this practice and everyone (including children) can be affected. Everything that people do can have many consequences and regrets resulting from the cause. It doesn't matter what religion or country you're in, Polygamy as it exist is often an 'involuntary' contract and in some cases can result in abuse. Although everyone here in America has rights, what about the ones who had no say and were forced into the practice of polygamy. I used to think that the women and men agreed to this but with the research I have done, I can conclude otherwise. Polygamy can be defined in many ways, for example, Polygamy- can be a man with many wives, which he has sexual relations with or another definition could be that, Polygamy is a form of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. I want to define it as this particular definition because, I want to let my audience know what polygamy is and show them that abuse on  the women and children is more than likely to occur, no matter what the situation. 


Section 2:  Polygamy History  

Religion 

 Polygamy has been practiced for many years by different religions and in different countries but not all of them agree with it.

 Polygamy in Hindu was practiced more so in the ancient times but due to some events that occured in the past it has declined, as well its now considered immortal.

 In the Buddhism world they believe that marriage as a whole is not sacred. It isnt considered a religous affair and/or has no religous sanction, which results in the monks non participation of it. Forms of marriage vary in different countries and everyone has their own view on it. It is stated in the Parabhava Sutta (Buddhist Scripture) that, " a man who is not satisfied with one women and seeks out other women is on the path to decline". This shows that polygamy or any other form of polygamous acts are unfavorable, and some other scripts that the Buddhist have also show that it is not tolerated or approved of in any matter.

Polygamy in Judaism: The Torah, Judisaims central text, states some specific regulations for the practice of polygamy and they believe that, "multiple marriages aren't to diminish the status of the first wife (specifically, her right to food, clothing and conjugal relations").  Exodus 21:10. In the scripture  Deuteronomy 21:15–17 it aslo says, "that a man must award the inheritance due to a first-born son to the son who was actually born first, even if he hates that son's mother and likes another wife more, and their Deuteronomy 17:17 sates that "the king shall not have too many wives" It's almost like they are 50/50 for this Polygamy Practice.

 

Islam

 In Islam, Polygany is allowed and practiced by some (wikipedia.polygamy). Although, their are limitations on this practice and consequences. A man can only have up to four wives at any one time. The Qur'an states that those men whose choose this route must deal with their wives justly. If the man then fears that he can no longer deal with his wives, then it is said that he should have only married one. The Qur'an does not give a preference on marrying more than one wife but it does give the woman a chance who does not support this practice. Some Islamic Scholars believe that the man must tell his wife that he wants to marry another and that he does nothave to have permission from his wife, if thats what he seeks to do. So, basically with all of this being said for the Islas its every man for himself. If you choose to do somthing that more than likely will become a probelm then maybe you should have thought about that before you did it.


 Section 3: Countries and Polygamy

 For some countries polygamy is widespread and alllowed to be practiced.  Africa, Kenya, South Africa, Sudan, Asia, South Asia, China, and Hong Kong are some of the countries who have either allowed polygamy or outlawed it. For example in Hong Kong they dont consider the second wives and so on to have a legal or social status to the husband. The first wife is better than all of the ohter women, but in some form this is still polygamy because there is more than one partner being involved in the situation. In West Africa once Islam became popular to this region they decreased the polygamy in this region, due to restrictions on number of wives. In Sudan their president encourages the practice of polygamy because he believes that it will increase the population (wikipedia.polygamy). Each of these countries has their own view on polygamy and how it should be ran or outlawed, so that should help people understand that Polygamy has many views on it.


 SECTION 4...UP TO YOUR DEFINITION... CONTEMPORARY FORMS OF POLYGAMY AS ABUSIVE IN THREE WAYS ... ARGUE THIS PROVE IT.

 

 There are many cases and studies that show and prove that Polygamy is a form of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. A woman named Carolyn Jessop is one of the victims of this abuse. The things that she went through as a whole show that she was physicaly, mentally and emotionally abused. Carolyn is the sixth-generation descendant of a polygamous family, which explains why she ended up married to a man with many wives. This was the only life she knew but even as a child she experienced very harsh treatment, including her brothers and sisters. The treatment that she recieved was by the hands of her very own mother; her reasons for such abuse towards her children was set off from her own personal problems. These events in Carolyns life didn't make things any better for her and at the age of 18 Carolyn was then forced to marry a man who was 32 years her senior and at that time he had already had three wives with many children. Before this marriage Carolyn had graduated from high school at the age of 17 and was in college for medicine, but once she was married she was forced by her new husband to study elementry education. The marriage made her the Fourth wife and during the time she was married to Mr. Jossep she had given birth to 8 children. They were married in 1986 until 2003 and that year was "The Escape". Carolyn planned out her escape for years knowing the risks, and through her daring and dangerous route to escape she got away at 10 pm on April 21, 2003 and fled to a safe house in Salt Lake City. Ms. Jossep later published her own book about her life and the escape. In her book titled "Escape" Carolyn Jessop stated that she endured regular unwanted sexual relations with Jessop in exchange for better emotional treatment. Jessop had eight children with her husband, the last four after she was warned against further pregnancies by her doctors. Her final pregnancy was life-threatening and required an emergency hysterectomy, during which time Jessop maintains that her husband and his family regarded her condition with disinterest. Jessop contends that the resulting freedom from pregnancy helped her escape from her abusive marriage and volatile home situation.

 


 

SECTION 5: RAISE COUNTERARGUMENTS... (MAYBE RAISE THE QUESTION OF WHETHER YOU'RE STATING A FALLACY...) ARGUE AGAINST YOUR OWN DEFINITION...

 

THEN DEAL WITH THESE COUNTER ARGUMENT... partly by defining the dynamics of this 'abuse'. (imbalanced power relationship... disconnected from other social arrangements/options... past evidence of abuse...) 

 

Now, some individuals may argue that my information isnt valid and that its disconnected to the facts but with proper knowledge and understanding what Polygamy is, you can pretty much figure it all out for yourself. The thing that people fail to realize is that in order for someone to come up with an conclusion is to research the event or topic. From what I've learned and saw, "Why would a woman have to flee from her husband and take her children with her, if she wasnt abused in any shape or form"? There is a cause for everything and the cause of her fleeing was to get away from all of the abuse that she had endured. Another source that caught my attention was from a tv host/public speaker and he has studied polygamy and has gotten various views on this pratice. In a polygamous marriage it is said by (Rabbi Shmuley) tv host/public speaker that " When husbands have multiple wives, the wife no longer feels adequate enough because she alone does not satisfy him", "Instead, she is forced to compete for her husband's affections". This statement right here should explain why the children often get abused because their mother is under so much stress that she can no longer handle it in a personal or an adult matter. Don't get me wrong not all women are like this when in a Polygamous marriage, but some women are. In addition, polygamy negatively affects children, Rabbi Shmuley says. "[It] offers children a model not of security but of rivalry, not of confidence but of permanent insecurity, as the members of a single household compete to be favorites," he says. "It is a toxic environment in which men are kings and women are courtiers." This helps explain the treatment that Ms. Carolyn endured as a child as well.

In a news article from the Los Angeles Times titled "Yes, Polygamy Is Everybody's Business" By Naomi Schaefer provides information on the lawsuits filled for the Polygamous acts and on the people who legitamently went against the law. Its states that in January of 2009 
a lawsuit was filed in federal court to overturn Utah's 113-year-old ban on polygamy. This overturn was sought out by a Utah polygamist named Tom Green — who is appealing his convictions. He stated that "like the men in Texas, what he does in his own home is no one else's business". This satement could be understood and he's right its his right to do whatever he likes in his home, but Ms. Naomi feels that before we slide down the slippery slope of this kind of reasoning, we should consider an important distinction about polygamy — its treatment of children.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


1. Is the project clearly based on a definition? I.e., is it clear that the fundamental objective of the paper is based around a definition or series of definitions? The project is clearly based on definition, but you could put more focus on the definition.

 

2. How strong are the criteria that the writer is using to compose their definition? Can you think of any items that also match the criteria used that the writer (as far as you can tell) would likely not want to be included the category being defined? The criteria that you are using to compose your paper is (As you know) incomplete. The history of polygamy is nice touch, you can just use a few more examples and organize it better. One thing that you MIGHT want to either cut short or dismiss altogether is the majority of the first paragraph. Although it is good that you are stating your opinion, it would be best to leave that until the fourth part of your paper. Remember: you should be defining more than your giving your opinion.

 

3. What is the strongest counterargument you can think of to refute the argument of this paper? E.g., what would you point out/argue for to suggest that the author has their definition wrong, has neglected to consider a certain issue, or has presumed too much in their definition argument? The effects of polygamy may not be as harsh as you stated. Although it is agreeable that polygamy isn't the most sanctioned practice, you would do good to put some examples of polygamy in your paper that doesn't lead to physical, emotional, or child abuse. There could be a few cases somewhere where religion forces a man to take more than one wife but the circumstances are different.

 

4. What do you take to be the strongest element of this project? There really isn't enough content for this paper to have a strong argument yet, but the history is a good touch.

 

5. What do you find to be the weakest part (most in need of improvement) of the project? First paragraph. 

 

6. On the sentence-level, did you find the paper to be well written? Does it contain poor grammmar or sentence-fragments? Does it include "run-on" sentences? Is it unnecessarily wordy at times? It just needs to be properly organized, but the overall grammar is fine. Make sure you don't make your paper to wordy and avoid the run on sentences.

 

7. Does the author provide clear exigence for the project? I.e., do they make it clear why they think this is an important term/concept to be defined in the present moment? Do you get a sense of why this project would be interesting today rather than, for instance, 50 years ago? The exigence is clear, but once again, when it is finished it'll be way better.

 

8. What grade would you assign this project if this were the final draft? Right now? A D. When your finished and if you provide the right amount of information (don't over-do it) it could be great. 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 


Polygamy

 

My Topic 

 

1) I will be defining Polygamy.

2) I will use my own perspectives, Religion, laws, history and polygamy stories.

3) My audience will be anyone who is interested in knowing about what polygamy is how it affects the people involved.

4) My audience will more than likely agree but I know that some people will disagree as well.

5) My purpose for this argument is to show that Polygamy is wrong and can hurt many people that practice it or even the people who are caught in it (Children). I want society to understand that it’s not right and it takes away the rights of people who dont want to participate.

6) I will use pathos and logos to show that polygamy has its negative outcomes. No for Polygamy. It just shouldnt be practiced at all.

 

 

 

PROJECT THREE: ANNOTATED BIB  

 

Polygamy

 

1)  "Carolyn Jessop." Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia. Wikipedia.org, 19 Sept. 2011. Web. 24 Oct. 2011. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carolyn_Jessop.

 

This is based on a woman who actually lived a polygamous life but escaped from it. It describes her background, in which she grew up in a polygamous family so it was really the only thing she kinew.

 

2) Carol McKinley.  "Polygamy Cult's Civil War :With Warren Jeffs in prison for life, a new "prophet" is trying to seize control of the cult from his family. Carol McKinley on the nasty battle, which includes threats, spies--and the FBI.. " Newsweek Web Exclusives  22 Aug. 2011: Research Library, ProQuest. Web.  24 Oct. 2011.

 

 This article revoolves around some men getting charge for the things that they did and portrayed in their polygamous marriages. The article notes what charges were being held against them and why. These men acted as if they were some sort of God with power over everyone.

 

3) "Escape Author Carolyn Jessop Speaks Out. " Targeted News Service  5  Nov. 2008,Research Library, ProQuest. Web.  24 Oct. 2011.

This contains an actual summary of what went on during the escape. It notes that Mrs. Carolyn Jossep plotted for months for her escape. It was not an easy plan at all though, alot of issue had arised. You can also find this artice here >>>>>>>>>>>>>> "Escape from Polygamy." Canada.com – Breaking News‚ Canada‚ World‚ Weather‚ Travel‚ Video & More. The Vancouver Sun, 28 Jan. 2006. Web. 24 Oct. 2011. http://www.canada.com/vancouversun/news/observer/story.html?id=0ff3d621-4d12-4f18-9c71-623d777061e7.

 

4) "Polygamy." Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia. Web. 24 Oct. 2011. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygamy.

 

This article briefly describes and defines polygamy in general. It has history on where it has some of its beginnings and explains that there are many different forms of Polygamy; but they all are in the same category. This article gives views from the religion perspective as well as the country perspective. 

 

5) Rauch, Jonathan. "One Man, Many Wives, Big Problems." Reason Magazine. Reason.com, 3 Apr. 2006. Web. 24 Oct. 2011. http://reason.com/archives/2006/04/03/one-man-many-wives-big-problem/1.

 

Mr. Rauch describes Polygamy to be a big problem in his article. He gives and states many reasons and examples on how it isnt a good idea, 

 

6) Schaefer, Naomi. "Yes, Polygamy Is Everybody's Business." TheHOPEorg.org. The Los Angeles Times, 9 Feb. 2004. Web. 24 Oct. 2011. http://www.childbrides.org/sex_LAT_plig_everybodys_business.html.

 

This article is based on the law and child aspects of Polygamy. Basically it states all together that Polygamy is everybodys business and that people have huge concerns about it.

 

7)  Shmuley, Rabbi. "Polygamy in Society - Oprah.com." Oprah Winfrey's Official Website - Live Your Best Life - Oprah.com. Oprah Radio, 3 June 2008. Web. 24 Oct. 2011. http://www.oprah.com/oprahradio/Polygamy-in-Society.

 

The author Shmuley basically takes on the negative sides of Polygamy for the individuals who are involved. He explains how and why things that arent so positive happen. These factors contribute to the emotions and feeling or the women and children as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Poetry.. Is Love Art and Dreams............. 

 

 

 

 

 

THE WORLD OF ART.............

 

Hello. My name is Toma' Blue and I love music. Its a form of art and its wonderful. I am 19 years old and this is my second year here at Wayne State Unversity. I am a Pre Med Major and I enjoy reading and writting. Poetry is something I engage in during my spare time.

 

 

 

 


Project One:

 

Sprint Ad

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czfWx0V-Wm0 (Short Version)

 

http://youtu.be/lW_9SYaWAQg (Longer Version)

 

 

www.ganges.com/.../

 

Project One:

 

Title:

Whats' Your Dream?

 

How far are you willing to go, just to get the right phone and cellular service? Or maybe how far are the service providers willing to go, just to pursue you into going with their service? Sprint is a cellular company that grabs their audience’s attention with many of ads and commercials. The Sprint ad Flash Light Animation was aired online on June 26, 2007 it has also been on the television as well. This ad was vibrant and highly animated which showed that sprint knows how to get viewers. Although the ad's point was to get people interested in the service, the commercial I analyzed had a very nice claim to it. Its claim was basically intended to show that they can give someone the things they have missed, almost like a child on an adventure. Sprint, (as they want to be seen) is suppose to meet everyone’s needs and desires, as well as giving them good connection on the phones that they have on the market. The service should always be fast like the speed of light and the service will enable you to discover almost anything on the World Wide Web. The Marketers of Sprint know how to grab their viewers and aren’t afraid to reach out. They know what they are doing and will go beyond to express how much they want to please people. This ad demonstrates youth, fun and adventure, through the music, setting, motion and characters.

Sprint is advertising youth, Childhood dreams, adventure, originality, wanting something to help define you as a person, escapism and a sense of belonging is what the Sprint ad has shown me. The theme music is so catchy it kind of makes you feel as if you were in an imaginative universe of some sort. The providers claim that they can give their consumers just about anything and that they can be fast and reliable. There was a lot of fun and freedom in the commercial. The motion and the characters all showed enjoyment, which was something that Sprint as a company wants to fulfill. They reach out to everyone but I think adolescents are the main audience. Today young people are so fascinated with technology, so with that being said the company knows how to set up each ad. They are appealing to everyone but there are alot of things that make each ad different. Not to get off topic, the ad that I am analyzing is focusing on a childs world and how much fun they like to have. Sprint is stating they can give young people just about anyhting that they want, as well as older consumers.

 

 

Project One:

What's Your Dream?

 

Revised Version:

First Project............

1st Rough Draft

 

How far are you willing to go, just to get the right phone and cellular service? Or maybe how far are the service providers willing to go, just to pursue you into going with their service? Sprint is a cellular company that grabs their audience’s attention with many of ads and commercials. The Sprint ad Flash Light Animation was aired online on June 26, 2007 it has also been on the television as well. This ad was vibrant and highly animated which showed that sprint knows how to get viewers attention. Although the ad's point was to get people interested in the service, the commercial I analyzed had a very nice claim to it. Its claim was basically intended to show that they can give someone the things they have missed, almost like a child on an adventure.

 

Sprint, (as they want to be seen) is suppose to meet everyone’s needs and desires, as well as giving them good connection on the phones that they have on the market. The service should always be fast like the speed of light and the service will enable you to discover almost anything on the World Wide Web. The Marketers of Sprint know how to grab their viewers and aren’t afraid to reach out to them. They know what they are doing and will go beyond to express how much they want to please people. This ad demonstrates youth, fun and adventure, through the music, setting, motion and characters.

 

 

Sprint is advertising youth, Childhood dreams, adventure, originality, wanting something to help define you as a person, escapism and a sense of belonging is what the Sprint ad has shown me. The theme's music is so catchy it kind of makes you feel as if you were in an imaginative universe of some kind. The providers claim that they can give their consumers just about anything that they want and that sprints service can be fast and reliable. There was a lot of fun and freedom in the commercial, the activities that the characters were engaging in showed that. The motion and the characters all experienced some type of enjoyment, which was something that Sprint as a company wants to fulfill. They reach out to everyone but I think adolescents are the main audience. Today young people are so fascinated with technology, so with that being said the company knows how to set up each ad. They are appealing to everyone but there are alot of things that make each ad different for each group of audiences. Not to get off topic but, the ad that I am analyzing is focusing on a childs world and how much fun it would be to be able to have everything you disire. Sprint is stating they can give young people just about anything they want, just as well as the older consumers too.

 

Sprint wants to shape their audiecnes imagination by showing them that not only hollywood, books, comics or any other type of entertainment can give out a source of imagination. The great Albert Einstein said, "Imagination ... is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world". Sprint as a company knows that in order to be successful, they must be able to make ads but also be creative with all of their work. This is the great thing about Sprint, as a company they do have alot of knowledge that is what enables them to have such creativity and imagination.

 

 

The Dream

 

 

See full size image

 

 

 

A world with imagination is like a world filled with art, music, adventure and fun. This is a trait that Sprint as a company shows me when I view each of their ads.

The "Dream" was a topic as well, like the narrator stated. What is a person's dream as a Sprint constumer and what would they like to recieve while with Sprint? In society today technology is almost everyones main source for servival, and alot of us cannot live without it. We use techonoly as a way to satisfy some of our needs. We also tend to use it to escape from reality and the real world.

 

 


 

1. Is there a clear argument/thesis to the paper? Identify the thesis directly in the text or paraphrase it in your own words. I believe I did find the thesis but it is generally supposed to be located at the end of the first paragraph. This ad demonstrates youth, fun and advernture, through music, setting, motion and characters.

 

 

 

2. Does the paper have a clear exigence and purpose? Do you have a solid idea of why this argument is an important one and/or why it is or should be interesting to an audience made up of people such as yourself? What is the exigence? Yes for the most part it is clear that the ads appeal to the writer, and would appeal to a large audience especially youth and those that are into technology. It pretty much argues the importance of imagination along with technology.

 

 

3. Does the paper follow a clear structure or does it read more like a disconnected series of observations? I.e., do the different paragraphs or sections of the piece seem to follow from one another? Are there appropriate transitions between different sections and ideas? Is there any part of the paper that seems unnecessary - "beside the point" or unrelated to the overall argument of the project as a whole?

 

This paper could use some restructuring, for example the thesis should go at the end of the intro, and you can use the main ideas that you have in your thesis statement to turn into your body paragraphs.

 

 

 

4. Did any argument or analysis in this paper seem unwarranted or exaggerated (in other words, did you think the writer was "jumping to conclusions" at times or being unfairly judgmental or dismissive)?

For the most part it is good, maybe saying that Sprint can give young people whatever they want is going a little overboard though.

 

 

 

5. What, in your opinion, is the strongest part of this paper? Definately that largest body paragraph that talks about what type of audience that Sprint appeals to, because it follows the same idea throughout the entire paragraph and is structured well. Although throwing some words like Ethos, Logos, and Pathos (or anything else going along with rhetoric) will help you score a few points.

 

 

 

6. What, in your opinion, is the weakest part of this paper? I would say the introduction, because you are really just supposed to touch on what ad you are analyzing rather than explaining it. This way you can save the explanation for your body paragraphs and really go into depth on analyzing it. For example saying what senses it appeals to. Also, a strong thesis that sums up what you will be talking about is needed at the end of your introduction.

 

 

 

7. If you were presenting a counter-argument to the paper (i.e., an attempt to argue against the thesis or central argument of the paper), what would it be? E.g., if you were asked to provide a counter-argument to the example paper we read on "Advergaming," you might argue that advertising in gaming is either not as widespread or not as problematic as the authors suggests (and provided reasons).

 

I would question why you believe sprint can do so much for you, like when you said it can pretty much bring people anything they want. After all it is just a phone company.

 

 

8. On the sentence-level, did you find the paper to be well written? Does it contain poor grammmar or sentence-fragments? Is it unnecessarily wordy at times? I saw a few spelling and punctual errors here and there. Some of the sentances could use some revision as well, but the writing center can help with that.

 

 

 

9. Finally, what grade would you give this paper if you were evaluating it as it is now?

As of now, I would give this paper around a C, but needless to say, an A could easily be achievable with revisions and of course the rest of the paper. The writing center would help very much though!

 

 


Project Two: Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs

 

Rough Draft

 

 

Toma's Project Two Draft  <<<<<<<<<<<<<< THIS HERE IS MY REVISED ROUGH DRAFT FOR PROJECT TWO!!!! Thanks. =)

 

 

                     "Technology: It manipulates the young"

 

Intro:

 

The writer's purpose, is to inform his readers that the media and technology can manipulate society and that it is responsible for having a huge influence on the minds of people today. Although his main focuse is about the media itself and the effects it has on people, he makes another claim that almost every and anything can manipulate a person. He uses ethos, logos and pathos to justify his own special claim as a way to make readers understand how he sees the situation. "Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs" attacks the entire band of postmodern America: like reality TV, video games, Internet Porn, Star's, and many more (Ethos). From his perspective these subject matters all relate to his rhetorical analysis and his claim, this also gives him a better lead way to forming a stronger argument. Based on his real life experiences (Pathos), Chuck puts forth the truth about himself to let people know that they are not alone in this situation and that he to is guilty of steering out of reality.

Chuck K also looks at the of work by an writer named Douglas Rushoff who wrote the book titled "Media Virus". Rushoff had a theory that home video consoles were the reason kids raised in the 1980s naturally embraced the virtual mentality. He also believed that it seemed strange to him that they were able to manually manipulate what they saw on the video screen. Chuck stated that he agrees with Rushoff's theory, which supports the (logos) of the theme.

 

 

Chuck opens the story by saying “No woman will ever satisfy me. I know that now, and I would never try to deny it. But this is actually okay, because I will never satisfy a woman, either”. (Pg. 1). He blames the television shows for his lacking of satisfying a woman or being satisfied.  The characters in the shows are made up and to him those kinds of people with such behaviors do not exist. Klosterman goes on to justify this statement, by blaming an actor by the name of John Cusack. He goes on by saying “I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack. 

 (Pg. 2) Chuck thinks that since he isn’t as good looking and wealthy like John C, then he doesn’t stand a chance at all. He begins to get frustrated because he can’t understand nor get why women as a whole can fall for these TV stars, which may not have the same personality when the camera stops rolling. Chuck decides to give a ton of reason for why he believes what he does, he states: “We all convince ourselves of things like this, about any fictionalized portrayals of romance that happen to hit us in the right place, at the right time. This is why I will never be completely satisfied by a woman, and this is why the kind of woman I tend to find attractive will never be satisfied by me”. (Pg.3). Klosterman isn’t solely blaming women but he is blaming anyone who is stuck on the fictional characters and the fact that they are fantasized with the on screen relationships. This is all a fairy tale in his eyes; it the reason for his problems with women and his relationships.  

 

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< (Yes! He gets the Ladies)

 

 

 

 

 

 Klosterman analysis how the society is influenced by the media and how it affects him as well. He emphasizes how society as a whole is influenced by these so called "manipulators"; The Media. He also then goes on to TV shows, movies and video games to explain how they can manipulate a person, which often takes them away from the real world. also known as "Reality" He believes that this world is too made up on the fantasized life and mostly everyone can be a victim of this or even guilty of believing what they see is real. Chuck does admit that he is guilty of participating in some type of fantasy life. He admits that purchased the Sims  Video Game and the reason he purchased and played the Sims game was to make a perfect replica of his life. In his life of being a sim he could do the things that he wanted to do and reality didn’t matter much to him at the time. All of the previous troubles he had in reality weren't insight, as long as he kept playing the game. Klosterman’s purpose was to inform Americans that we have a huge problem that most of us are guilty of. He also includes his own personal experience to reach out to the readers who share the same issue as if he were some sort of guidence counsler. The media can influence us in many ways, for example Klosterman talked about his previous relationships and how the media interrupted them. He argues that women look at TV show relationships, as if they were supposed to be the same in real life. He suggests that he is very unhappy with the media and fairytale romances that are portrayed. This makes women especially believe in fairytale love stories, which almost never happen according to Klosterman. Although in the beginning he does focus on himself and the relationships with women, he realized that women aren’t the only ones affected by the media. Chuck thinks that anyone who happens to be stuck on the fictional characters; and the fact that they are fantasized with on screen relationships to be confused. This is all a fairytale in his eyes, and it’s the reason he has problems with relationships: as well as women.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 (The Real World)

                                        

 

 

 

My Own Analysis:

 

What’s wrong with our American Culture?

 

Can we try to deal with reality or are we to weak in the mind to handle it? Whatever the case is our society has a bad case of being obsessed with other worlds, including the false and fictional things that we see. We tend to get caught up in what the media as a whole has to offer, so therefore we often get confused with what’s real and what’s not. The media can affect people in many ways whether it’s, video games, movies, fantasy and virtual worlds, music, TV shows or cartoons. They all play a role on why people enjoy escaping to them because of the enjoyment these things give off. We are entertained by almost anything; it doesn’t even have to be creative at all. Americans just loved to be entertained and like to sometimes forget about the ongoing problems of reality. I admit I listen to my music whenever I’m stressed out, I don’t necessarily watch adventurous movies or escape of into video gaming worlds. My music stimulates my mind and it makes me forget about all the worries I had. I sometimes don’t even think about my problems well after because I engage in something that makes me very happy. Ultimately, our American Culture overall doesn’t know how to deal with reality. When certain things happen we jump up and want to leave right away, because it’s just too much to handle. As far as American Culture’s view on virtual worlds, people think that they are a great way to have fun and enjoy themselves, the things that they wouldn’t do in reality is now in the palm of their hands. Americans are more comfortable with interacting in virtual worlds with virtual characters than in real life. The lack of social skills and communication is now expressed and this isn’t healthy for any of us. How do many of us expect to get a job or an audition for a big show if we can’t properly communicate with an actual human figure? Many cannot answer this because their brains are so tangled up in The Sims’s Video Game or they are too busy watching movies all day. America has to change this bad habit whether it’s making less fantasy worlds, making new music with different meaning or just getting rid of fictional things as a whole, something has to change. Who’s to say it’s an issue or to say that it’s wrong, well we can soon and will see the results of continuing escapism. Our American Culture today is so off and confused with the false things that the media has to offer sometimes.

Comments (6)

toma said

at 10:32 am on Sep 6, 2011

Just moving in on this wiki so more info will be up soon. =)

perrinatisha said

at 2:21 pm on Sep 18, 2011

POETRY IS THE BEST!

toma said

at 5:15 pm on Sep 18, 2011

=) It really is... It makes my mind calm and my worries no longer bother me.

Derek Blanton said

at 11:42 am on Sep 22, 2011

This is actually a deep topic. Its alot more information you can probably use for it. It starts to delve into escapism.

Anisa said

at 12:06 pm on Sep 22, 2011

1. Is there a clear argument/thesis to the paper? Identify the thesis directly in the text or paraphrase it in your own words.



2. Does the paper have a clear exigence and purpose? Do you have a solid idea of why this argument is an important one and/or why it is or should be interesting to an audience made up of people such as yourself? What is the exigence?



3. Does the paper follow a clear structure or does it read more like a disconnected series of observations? I.e., do the different paragraphs or sections of the piece seem to follow from one another? Are there appropriate transitions between different sections and ideas? Is there any part of the paper that seems unnecessary - "beside the point" or unrelated to the overall argument of the project as a whole?



4. Did any argument or analysis in this paper seem unwarranted or exaggerated (in other words, did you think the writer was "jumping to conclusions" at times or being unfairly judgmental or dismissive)?



5. What, in your opinion, is the strongest part of this paper?



6. What, in your opinion, is the weakest part of this paper?



7. If you were presenting a counter-argument to the paper (i.e., an attempt to argue against the thesis or central argument of the paper), what would it be? E.g., if you were asked to provide a counter-argument to the example paper we read on "Advergaming," you might argue that advertising in gaming is either not as widespread or not as problematic as the authors suggests (and provided reasons).



8. On the sentence-level, did you find the paper to be well written? Does it contain poor grammmar or sentence-fragments? Is it unnecessarily wordy at times?



9. Finally, what grade would you give this paper if you were evaluating it as it is now?

Anisa said

at 6:58 pm on Oct 19, 2011


1. Is there a clear argument/thesis to the paper? Identify the thesis directly in the text or paraphrase it in your own words: Yes, the thesis and argument is made clear, the reader lets us know that the media is a negative influence on people’s minds.
2. 2. Does the paper have a clear exigence and purpose? Do you have a solid idea of why this argument is an important one and/or why it is or should be interesting to an audience made up of people such as yourself? What is the exigence? Yes, i do have a clear idea about the argument is about, the writer has done a good job to let that be clear.
3. Does the paper follow a clear structure or does it read more like a disconnected series of observations? I.e., do the different paragraphs or sections of the piece seem to follow from one another? The paper has a nice flow to it.
4. 4. Did any argument or analysis in this paper seem unwarranted or exaggerated (in other words, did you think the writer was "jumping to conclusions" at times or being unfairly judgmental or dismissive)? No I think all the quotes and opinions are fact, the media is a negative influence on us.
5. What, in your opinion, is the strongest part of this paper? The use of quotes and opinions and examples.
6. What, in your opinion, is the weakest part of this paper? The conclusion
7. On the sentence-level, did you find the paper to be well written? Does it contain poor grammmar or sentence-fragments? Is it unnecessarily wordy at times? Overall not many grammar errors, sentence level is well written.
8. 9. Finally, what grade would you give this paper if you were evaluating it as it is now? B+

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